Another onion layer shed.

So try to follow the randomness of this note. I've started and stopped that I'm just going to plug at it to get some kind of post out.. :) So since losing my mom, I've noticed that going through the grieving process is like shedding layers of an onion. It makes you cry, you need to get through layers to get to the core, and it can be bittersweet. So I'm really terrible about sending thank yous....really bad. Just an idea of how bad I am, if you read my first post you will know that I lost my mom on January 26 from injuries from a car accident. I use to be a Stampin' Up! demonstrator for five years and quit last year before my son was born as I know myself and know that I would be way too overwhelmed to have two little ones, work, plus make time for SU. Anywho, if you stamp, especially are a demonstrator, people believe they are going to get a homemade card. See this is where I am bad. I feel so terrible if I have to buy a card, as I have a whole room with stamping products. However, if I don't have time to make a card, they just don't get one..I know it's terrible and I feel terrible. So anyway, feeling so appreciative of everyone who was there for me and my family when my mom past and receiving homemade cards from others, and knowing my dad had written like 400+ thanks yous (he used the funeral home cards they provided), I thought I could do like 50 or so. So I went on to make them, which took me forever and five years and now am making myself send them before I send Christmas cards to people. Now to the point of all of this...So I thought I was strong and "accepted" that my mom was gone. Ya, well as I'm starting to finally write them out, I'm so not!! I believed for awhile that yes time does make things getter better, um notta, I believe now that it's a numbness that starts becoming unnumb as time goes on. As I was writing out thank yous to my family, it was like a flood of emotion came back. Getting the phone call finally being able to realize what happened and replaying the hospital stay, hearing her progress/decline, hearing when we had to make the decision, hearing what friends and family were saying to me, being at the funeral again and seeing her one last time. It's like my heart is filling again with anxiousness and sadness. It sucks. Friends and family who have not gone through this will ask me all sorts of questions about losing mom, and I'm very open about answering them and going back to the time because to me people have to know for their own closure and knowing that I will be okay. Plus it's therapeutic to me. When I got the phone it was on a Thursday, my day off of work, the kids were in the dining room, I hadn't showered yet (it's my day off, ha), I was getting ready to go to my parents that night as mom and I were going to be going on a quilting retreat in Spring Valley, Minnesota, with her best friend and her daughters and others. We totally looked forward to the retreats, they were so fun, relaxing, and productive. We would talk about them as soon as we got home from the last one. Plus it was time for us to share together. So my husband called me on the phone that Thursday afternoon adn said "Lynnae, your dad called me and said your mom's been in a serious accident, I'm on my way home and will get you and the kids." I didn't know what to think, I just said "are you kidding, because that's really low and not funny, tell me your kidding." Obviously he wasn't and I could tell in his voice. I don't know what overcame me but I immediately got in a zone. I just paced back and forth thinking what do I need to do, who do I call, how can I check on her myself, what do I do, what do the kids need.... Then it hit me call the emergency room. So I did and I talked to a nurse who said she just arrived via Mayo One (Mayo Clinic's helicopter) and they had to resucitate her on the scene. It's like I didn't hear it, I asked him what he said and he said she quit breathing, but is breathing now, and that she was in serious condition and that's all he knew. Then I just thought who do I call next, my first call was her best friend who was going with us to the retreat. She couldn't believe it either obviously and when I go to the hospital there was Betty and her daughter Christa. They are our other family. I continued to call my aunt and uncle who live nearby and they didn't answer, as I found out later they were on their way to the hospital too. My aunt later told me that she replayed the messages and was glad my dad called to tell what happened as she couldn't understand my message. I didn't even think of calling my brothers until I was on my way. My one brother lived in Portland, Oregon at the time and didn't get my message until later in the day and my oldest brother lives in Mount Vernon, Iowa, and didn't get my message, until his wife got home, and I found out he was in Switzerland I believe.

So we get to the hospital and there are loved ones in a small waiting room waiting to see her. A nurse comes in to say they will be wheeling her by to take her to her room, but encouraged my dad and myself to come say hello, etc., though she was not awake...she never came to because of the extent of her injuries.

Okay, so I'm so extrodinarily sorry for doing this, but I'm not in the mode of writing this and haven't been since I did the thank yous and that was at work..So until I get in the mode again. Just remember Carpe Diem!!