Holy cow, it's been since November 08' since I've posted!!! Wow, so I obviously can't fill in the blanks between November and now or I would be typing forever and since I'm at work on a lunch, I only have 40 minutes or so. So with that said, here I am back at the blog since I've missed it and missed listening to my music on here.. I love music!! I really need to get a computer at home that I'm allowed to type on :) My harddrive went to pots boon ages ago, Brian's computer has slowly been going to pots and now he has a new one and was going to fix mine, but low and behold his harddrive from his old computer doesn't fit mine..solution let me borrow his until we get mine fixed..notta, apparently we can't share, whatever..hehe.

So we're house hunting trying to sell ours. That's something in itself to go through. Decluttering, insanity! Now it's pretty well decluttered except for the poor garage, so we'll try to tackle that some day, and now we just hope for someone who would love to live in Chatfield (which is a fantastic town) and in our house, which I'm going to sadly miss my kitchen. Once in a great while, I even get a tear thinking about it...hmm.

What else, kids are growing so quickly. Lexi is just a riot! She's 3 and funny!! Yes there is a slight "typical 3-year-old" in her, but we're pretty fortunate with her. She likes to obviously copy things you say, but she also likes to pretend to be mommy, so she'll lecture little man when he's doing something he shouldn't be or try to prevent him from doing something. She also likes to tell Brian things like "daddy, get your son" haha. We heard that last night. We're still waiting for potty time to kick in. We need to take the time too to work with her, but until she says yes I want to go, we're waiting for her. A few times I haven't asked her if Wy is going to be potty trained before she is (he's 19 months younger) and she said yes. Good times! Wy man is getting bigger and funnier. Not saying a whole lot, but words are starting. We're truly blessed with these two and I can't be more grateful for them! Lexi's trying to figure out when the next holiday she gets a new movie and chocolate for, unfortunately for her, it'll be awhile :) I do tend to have that mommy guilt a little with working with the kids with letters, numbers, writing, etc. We worked really good with Lex until Wy came aboard, now it's been just spending fun time with them. Our daycare is spoiling us with teaching them the basics and I think we've been taking her for advantage. We love her to pieces though, she's fantastic with the kids! So if anyone reads this and has games, learning tips, feel free to post them!

My Stampin' Up! life is going on. I really need to get going with that. I absolutely love being a demo for SU and love their products, creativity outlet, meeting people, etc., but seriously need to get busy with it by having workshops, etc. I have good intentions, but my intentions seem to be more good ideas than something actually coming out of them. That's a frustrating part of my personality that I get annoyed by. Hopefully someday, I'll be able to do everything I want to do. I have some dear friends who just stay up after everyone has gone to bed and do their things, but I'm one who likes sleep entirely too much and doesn't like to be depedent on my coffee, though I have started the addiction again, that darm caffeine! I did give him up for about 9 days and I felt good, didn't miss it too much, but then we had a night where little man didn't want to sleep and we had to work the next day..uff da! When I sit a computer all day, sleepiness does not go away, so the addiction began again. One of these days I'll try to give it up again....maybe when the kids are 18 haha.

So to the woman who started me to blog, my mom. I kind-of started this as a therapy to express my feelings of losing her. So I have John Denver's, Annie's song, on my tunes on here, which is playing now. That was a favorite of my moms, so much we had it on our wedding, and I requested the same person who sang it for our wedding to sing it at her funeral. Hence, why she's made it on my blog notes today :) I miss that woman more and more. I realized that the first year a loved one is gone, it's numbing. Going through the emotions, trying to figure things out, dealing with things, numbing. Then the second year, it hits a bit more. Memories for me have become a little more clear, as it seemed with the numbness they were foggy, which made me feel terrible and guilty, but they're coming back. Last night I was praying and told God how much I missed mom and to give her a hug for me and started to go through all the things I missed about her, having her there for friendship, support, mom knowledge, someone to share our hobbies with, someone who adored my kids and they adored back (though little man was only 4 months old when she passed, but Lexi, G-ma Fisher was her favorite), someone to go to when I needed to complain, and someone who got me and loved me unconditionally even through my flaws. So you would think, thinking of all these things, especially meaning so much to me, would make me cry, but they didn't. So I'm trying to figure that one out, but than came to a tiny conclusion that maybe it's because I was so blessed to have her with me, and that I truly have no regrets about my relationship with her and how she passed. I hate it was a car accident that took her, but hearing how she was progressing/declining and knowing how she would be medically, I have no regrets that we let her go and I keep remembering that she passed in 8 minutes which obviously told us how bad her condition was. I just remember how beautiful the passing experience was and how beautiful and at peace she looked afterwards and I think that helps me be strong about things and knowing it will be okay. But man, I truly miss her and hate she's gone, but having no doubts where she is and that she's with her loved ones, also brings me peace. I've been blessed to have her in my dreams and it's so weird because it's mom. It's her after she's passed. I have these dreams and am carrying on short conversations with her about how things are now and then once I realize this, I become conscious and wake up, that sucks when that happens. But to me that means she's with me even more. Okay, so that's my after life wisdom I'm learning and realizing. Just a shout out to my mom. I Love You Forever and Unconditionally! Wonder if they have computers in heaven, haha, totally doubtful!

Well hopefully I'm back to the blogging life. Thanks for reading and Carpe Diem!

Taking in a moment

So tonight I decided to FINALLY make homemade playdoh for Lexi. I told her boon ages ago I would it on a rainy day, etc., but for the past few days she keeps asking me about making playdoh, so I thought let's do it tonight! So I turned on KROC FM and was dancing around the kitchen making playdoh. She came in when it was time to mix the colors in with it. She let me do it because she saw her fingers turn color and she can be a little finicky when it comes to her getting "dirty". So she started playing with it and it was just fun to watch her. I then decided to make some cookies too, so I took the already made ready to put in the oven chocolate chunk cookies out and made those too. It was just simply fun and nice to watch her and take in the moment and "get it". It was an hour I was totally focused on her and the time we were playing and have our time. What a great feeling and a great end to a night.

So a side thought. Lexi will be 3 in Feb. and she's so funny and articulate (pround mom bragging). We have the Curious George movie in the van that we watch all the time when we're in the van. So junior is a not-so-nice guy. Lexi's in the mode where there are bad people and good people now, so junior is a bad guy. So she announced that when he wasn't being very nice and Brian said he's not a bad guy, but just not nice...or something to that effect. Then Lexi said "daddy you're crazy, he's a bad guy dad....your crazy daddy." I LOVE THAT GIRL!! She's just an innocent full of life girl. Love it!! It's going to be funny hearing what Wy has to say when he gets talking :) Apparently at daycare then she was "talking on the phone" and kept saying daddy's crazy...daddy's crazy....mommy's crazy" Too funny! That's what we get for teaching her that word. So if you know her and she ever tells you you're crazy, it really means you're silly, goofy, etc. Not that you belong in the looney bin or anything, haha.

thought

So as I was on lunch and walking (to go get lunch, not exercise, though I should do that, haha), I was thinking of my mom. I was thinking about a pie auction that is coming up with our church and found out they are doing this in memomry of her. As I've mentioned before she was very active with the church in various committees/groups and loved it. So this pie auction, they ask you to make pie(s) and they auction them off to make money for things for the church. I've never made them before because I'm not a pie maker, and I know she asked me to make some and I know I probably made every excuse under the moon to not make one. But this time it's different. I wasn't going to make any, until a co-worker and I were talking about it, and she basically made me feel guilty is what it comes down to. So fine, I'm going to make two pies, for sure one will be a pumpkin cheescake swirl pie and not sure what the other one will be, am thinking either key lime or a chocolate pie. So then I was thinking why is it I do these things I wouldn't do when mom was alive. Am I doing this out of guilt because I didn't do it when she asked and now I "have" to. Or is it more of doing it to keep her alive and staying active in something she would be active in. Not exactly sure, but I'm wondering if that is something people struggle with, are their thoughts/memories guilty or are they to keep the lost one alive. I or they may never know, but I think it's something to ponder to help find peace in oneself and "peeling" another layer of that stinky onion (read previous blog to know what I'm talking about). Then another thought came to me when one is depressed it's hard to be around others who are depressed, going through hardships, enduring their own loss, because something they say or are going through could spark what you are and if you're not ready to deal with yourself you're certainly not ready to handle their issues too. So once again, another personal choice is "moving on", deal with your own issues so you can help those who need it. But then why are you helping them, to not deal with yours, to deal with yours, or simply because they need you and you know it's the right thing because they're too close to you to not help?? That's a choice one has to make, again in my personal opinion, to help one move on and grow. I guess you could say that would be where a horrible experience turns into a blessing. When I first heard of mom's accident and in the hospital until after the funeral, I was in a focused zone, which I have to tell you I'm never in that zone :) So I was talking about that with some people I know and a friend said "that was what your mom taught you, how to be strong, it's the inner strength you didn't even know you had". It's true, so I think that's also true with the whole onion peeling and closing back up, you're learning something about yourself with the experience you went through and in the end it's making you a stronger and hopefully better person. I guess you could say a bitter sweet revealing of oneself. Ironic! So there's my wisdom for the evening :) or at least two cents...Carpe Diem and Good Night!

One day at a time…I know you’ve heard it before, but this little statement has really helped me throughout the last year…and today, too!! Lower the bar, too! When it comes to placing expectations on yourself, simply don’t!! Simplify…

So I love this quote that a dear friend of mine and my husbands (he was originally my husband's friend, that's how I met him and am grateful I did), anyway, he lost his incredibly awesome wife unexpectedly a year ago in October and e-mailed me the quote above to actually pass on to my dad, but what a great saying for everything in life and yes of course of the reason he sent it to me, in dealing with loss of a loved one.

So don't you love the innocence and simplicity of a child's mind. Yesterday was a hard day for me at church as it was All Saints Day. Church has been and will be for a very long time the hardest place for me to go to since losing mom. Church, God, her faith, christianity was so important to her and made my mom the woman she was. She was very active in church singing in the choir, being active on many counsels and groups. So she was the main reason, besides God of course, for me going to church. Anyways, we went yesterday as they did something special for those who have past in the last year for All Saints Day. When you went up for communion, you lit a candle in remembrance of those you've lost. I had no idea it was going to have the effect that it did on me. I went up to take communion, say her name, with others, on a banner and got teary eyed remembering her funeral as it was the same church of course. Then lighting the candle and realizing why I was doing it, hit me. I went back to the pew and lost it a little, tried to sing the closing hymn and couldn't. However, while I was in the middle of this emotion our friends were sitting in front of us with their children and they have 3 beautiful girls, the youngest just turned 2 and is very lively and wonderful. She was looking at me and being all cute and we were "playing" a little. I love that though we, as adults, go through so much emotion with all the responsibility we now have in our lives, what we've been through, what we've learned so far, that kids keep it real, simple, and enjoyable. So a huge thank you to Ava who helped me get through the tough moment in church and realize so much through just a little game of peeks.

So moving on from the emotional stuff :) Check out my Stampin' Up! website, http://www.lynnae.stampinup.net This is very exciting for me to get back in the game of stamping. I also am waiting for my wonderful husband to find the software, or whatever you call it, for me to download my pics of cards and crafts. So hang in there with me. Once I get that, I hope to post things at least twice a week.

Take care, happy stamping, and as per my blog logo, carpe diem.

Stampin' Up!

Exciting news for today, with the acceptance of my husband and his wonderful support, I signed back up to become a Stampin' Up! demonstrator.. YEAH!!! This is very exciting for me. It's a wonderful creative outlet for me that I absolutely love to share with my friends and family!! Plus I have the most wonderful upline, Nic, so am looking forward to starting up my old hobby again with a fresh upline!! I have 3 cards I need to get on here, but apparently I need to get some sort of software from the camera on the computer to download pics.. This is so not my thing, my hubby is the computer genius :) So I'll get the software on here and start downloading pictures! Also, I have a quilting retreat at the end of the month, I'm thoroughly anticipating, as Lord knows I have plenty of projects to finish and work on..

Until next time...Cheers!!

Another onion layer shed.

So try to follow the randomness of this note. I've started and stopped that I'm just going to plug at it to get some kind of post out.. :) So since losing my mom, I've noticed that going through the grieving process is like shedding layers of an onion. It makes you cry, you need to get through layers to get to the core, and it can be bittersweet. So I'm really terrible about sending thank yous....really bad. Just an idea of how bad I am, if you read my first post you will know that I lost my mom on January 26 from injuries from a car accident. I use to be a Stampin' Up! demonstrator for five years and quit last year before my son was born as I know myself and know that I would be way too overwhelmed to have two little ones, work, plus make time for SU. Anywho, if you stamp, especially are a demonstrator, people believe they are going to get a homemade card. See this is where I am bad. I feel so terrible if I have to buy a card, as I have a whole room with stamping products. However, if I don't have time to make a card, they just don't get one..I know it's terrible and I feel terrible. So anyway, feeling so appreciative of everyone who was there for me and my family when my mom past and receiving homemade cards from others, and knowing my dad had written like 400+ thanks yous (he used the funeral home cards they provided), I thought I could do like 50 or so. So I went on to make them, which took me forever and five years and now am making myself send them before I send Christmas cards to people. Now to the point of all of this...So I thought I was strong and "accepted" that my mom was gone. Ya, well as I'm starting to finally write them out, I'm so not!! I believed for awhile that yes time does make things getter better, um notta, I believe now that it's a numbness that starts becoming unnumb as time goes on. As I was writing out thank yous to my family, it was like a flood of emotion came back. Getting the phone call finally being able to realize what happened and replaying the hospital stay, hearing her progress/decline, hearing when we had to make the decision, hearing what friends and family were saying to me, being at the funeral again and seeing her one last time. It's like my heart is filling again with anxiousness and sadness. It sucks. Friends and family who have not gone through this will ask me all sorts of questions about losing mom, and I'm very open about answering them and going back to the time because to me people have to know for their own closure and knowing that I will be okay. Plus it's therapeutic to me. When I got the phone it was on a Thursday, my day off of work, the kids were in the dining room, I hadn't showered yet (it's my day off, ha), I was getting ready to go to my parents that night as mom and I were going to be going on a quilting retreat in Spring Valley, Minnesota, with her best friend and her daughters and others. We totally looked forward to the retreats, they were so fun, relaxing, and productive. We would talk about them as soon as we got home from the last one. Plus it was time for us to share together. So my husband called me on the phone that Thursday afternoon adn said "Lynnae, your dad called me and said your mom's been in a serious accident, I'm on my way home and will get you and the kids." I didn't know what to think, I just said "are you kidding, because that's really low and not funny, tell me your kidding." Obviously he wasn't and I could tell in his voice. I don't know what overcame me but I immediately got in a zone. I just paced back and forth thinking what do I need to do, who do I call, how can I check on her myself, what do I do, what do the kids need.... Then it hit me call the emergency room. So I did and I talked to a nurse who said she just arrived via Mayo One (Mayo Clinic's helicopter) and they had to resucitate her on the scene. It's like I didn't hear it, I asked him what he said and he said she quit breathing, but is breathing now, and that she was in serious condition and that's all he knew. Then I just thought who do I call next, my first call was her best friend who was going with us to the retreat. She couldn't believe it either obviously and when I go to the hospital there was Betty and her daughter Christa. They are our other family. I continued to call my aunt and uncle who live nearby and they didn't answer, as I found out later they were on their way to the hospital too. My aunt later told me that she replayed the messages and was glad my dad called to tell what happened as she couldn't understand my message. I didn't even think of calling my brothers until I was on my way. My one brother lived in Portland, Oregon at the time and didn't get my message until later in the day and my oldest brother lives in Mount Vernon, Iowa, and didn't get my message, until his wife got home, and I found out he was in Switzerland I believe.

So we get to the hospital and there are loved ones in a small waiting room waiting to see her. A nurse comes in to say they will be wheeling her by to take her to her room, but encouraged my dad and myself to come say hello, etc., though she was not awake...she never came to because of the extent of her injuries.

Okay, so I'm so extrodinarily sorry for doing this, but I'm not in the mode of writing this and haven't been since I did the thank yous and that was at work..So until I get in the mode again. Just remember Carpe Diem!!

I am

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.