Taking in a moment

So tonight I decided to FINALLY make homemade playdoh for Lexi. I told her boon ages ago I would it on a rainy day, etc., but for the past few days she keeps asking me about making playdoh, so I thought let's do it tonight! So I turned on KROC FM and was dancing around the kitchen making playdoh. She came in when it was time to mix the colors in with it. She let me do it because she saw her fingers turn color and she can be a little finicky when it comes to her getting "dirty". So she started playing with it and it was just fun to watch her. I then decided to make some cookies too, so I took the already made ready to put in the oven chocolate chunk cookies out and made those too. It was just simply fun and nice to watch her and take in the moment and "get it". It was an hour I was totally focused on her and the time we were playing and have our time. What a great feeling and a great end to a night.

So a side thought. Lexi will be 3 in Feb. and she's so funny and articulate (pround mom bragging). We have the Curious George movie in the van that we watch all the time when we're in the van. So junior is a not-so-nice guy. Lexi's in the mode where there are bad people and good people now, so junior is a bad guy. So she announced that when he wasn't being very nice and Brian said he's not a bad guy, but just not nice...or something to that effect. Then Lexi said "daddy you're crazy, he's a bad guy dad....your crazy daddy." I LOVE THAT GIRL!! She's just an innocent full of life girl. Love it!! It's going to be funny hearing what Wy has to say when he gets talking :) Apparently at daycare then she was "talking on the phone" and kept saying daddy's crazy...daddy's crazy....mommy's crazy" Too funny! That's what we get for teaching her that word. So if you know her and she ever tells you you're crazy, it really means you're silly, goofy, etc. Not that you belong in the looney bin or anything, haha.

thought

So as I was on lunch and walking (to go get lunch, not exercise, though I should do that, haha), I was thinking of my mom. I was thinking about a pie auction that is coming up with our church and found out they are doing this in memomry of her. As I've mentioned before she was very active with the church in various committees/groups and loved it. So this pie auction, they ask you to make pie(s) and they auction them off to make money for things for the church. I've never made them before because I'm not a pie maker, and I know she asked me to make some and I know I probably made every excuse under the moon to not make one. But this time it's different. I wasn't going to make any, until a co-worker and I were talking about it, and she basically made me feel guilty is what it comes down to. So fine, I'm going to make two pies, for sure one will be a pumpkin cheescake swirl pie and not sure what the other one will be, am thinking either key lime or a chocolate pie. So then I was thinking why is it I do these things I wouldn't do when mom was alive. Am I doing this out of guilt because I didn't do it when she asked and now I "have" to. Or is it more of doing it to keep her alive and staying active in something she would be active in. Not exactly sure, but I'm wondering if that is something people struggle with, are their thoughts/memories guilty or are they to keep the lost one alive. I or they may never know, but I think it's something to ponder to help find peace in oneself and "peeling" another layer of that stinky onion (read previous blog to know what I'm talking about). Then another thought came to me when one is depressed it's hard to be around others who are depressed, going through hardships, enduring their own loss, because something they say or are going through could spark what you are and if you're not ready to deal with yourself you're certainly not ready to handle their issues too. So once again, another personal choice is "moving on", deal with your own issues so you can help those who need it. But then why are you helping them, to not deal with yours, to deal with yours, or simply because they need you and you know it's the right thing because they're too close to you to not help?? That's a choice one has to make, again in my personal opinion, to help one move on and grow. I guess you could say that would be where a horrible experience turns into a blessing. When I first heard of mom's accident and in the hospital until after the funeral, I was in a focused zone, which I have to tell you I'm never in that zone :) So I was talking about that with some people I know and a friend said "that was what your mom taught you, how to be strong, it's the inner strength you didn't even know you had". It's true, so I think that's also true with the whole onion peeling and closing back up, you're learning something about yourself with the experience you went through and in the end it's making you a stronger and hopefully better person. I guess you could say a bitter sweet revealing of oneself. Ironic! So there's my wisdom for the evening :) or at least two cents...Carpe Diem and Good Night!